Confidence

I lack it,
I wish i didn't but its one shell im having trouble breaking!

I don't really know why. It makes me very shy in large groups of people i don't know. Even online it gets me i rarely start a conversation on face book, I start to think, there probably busy, what if they don't want to chat? Insane I know.

Even when people approach me. I have lost about 37kg in the last 18 months and, especially at church, i get complimented. As soon as they say something i say thanks, then will always say something like "Just a few more kg and ill be done" Why can't i just take a compliment and be happy? I don't know.

I think it has to do with spending most of my life, bar the last few years, hiding so much of myself. I've always tried to deflect attention on myself, in fears of being found out to be the gay kid. Tried to blend in with everyone else's views, thoughts, opinions the list could go on.

Coming out slowly but surley has helped definatly. I'm not nearly as shy as i once was, working with the public got me out of my shell quick. Following that my thoughts have been coming out too, everyone now knows the disgusting humor i have, the love for just horrible pop music.

Still though anyone complimenting me makes me uncomferatble. I just can't figure out why?? Is it from growing up as the fat kid? Being the gay closet kid growing up? Church drilling us with how horrible pride is?

And how do i break this?

I have come along way the past few years, and love where i am in life i have the greatest friends i am 99.9% myself now, and the weight on my back of hiding is gone. Just this one last shell to break.

Twenty-Five

I'm 25 years old and this is my 25th blog entry, 25 random things about me-

1- My first memory of being gay was when i was eight. I loved the movie Home Alone, I thought Macaulay Culkin was awesome. I watched that movie about 10 times on holiday and distinctively remember a dream where were were hanging out as best friends and even held hands.

2- I can recite the narration to the stretching room scene in The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.

3- In a week i have gone from knowing very little about True Blood to becoming hooked and watching season 1 and all the shown episodes of season 2. The similarities on how vampires are treated in it to the way gays are is interesting to see.

4- I have a second interview for a new job at the US Consulate this week

5- I rarely get depressed, but when i do, it hits me like a car, and sticks around for a while.

6- I wish i could dance.

7- I never realized how much i listen to Musicals until i looked at my Top 25 played songs in itunes. 15 of them are from musicals, you have to get to number 7 for the first non-musical.

8- I seem to not be able to get through a day at work without involuntarily saying "Thats what she said" to something my boss says.

9- Vegimite on toast is the greatest breakfast in the world.

10- While in the laundry with my mum, checking my pockets for rubbish i pulled out a condom wrapper. Im still hoping her eye sight is crap without her glasses.

11- After coming out to a friend a while ago my friend asked allot of questions including whether i would prefer to be "Heath" or "Jake"... I still find that the funniest/greatest way to ask such a question.

12- I haven't stopped listing to the soundtracks for West Side Story and In the Heights this week.

13- I hate Perez Hilton, but read his website. Anyone who manages to "report" and draw sperm on peoples faces brings out the 12 year old in me.

14- I have to sleep with music on. If it's silent i think and stay awake for hours.

15- I have come so far in my coming out, but when my family brings up the lack of a girlfriend i feel so uncomfortable, yet I'm too chicken shit to just tell them I'm gay, until i move out.

16- One of the best and gayest nights of my life was a Kylie Minogue Concert.

17- I have come out to almost all my non-church friends, it would have been all of them except for a lack of seeing some.

18- Channing Tatum is hot.

19- I think in a world where women and men should be equal that the word cock should be as equally offensive as cunt, for equal rights sake :-p

20- I watch too much TV. If a show I get into a show too much while watching it, i start to think i know these people.

21- Any doubts i had of being gay were obliterated when i was 16 and with Reece.

22- I enjoy exercising. Its time with me and Music my head is the clearest in these times.

23- A third of my DVD collection can be attributed to 3am trips with friends to 24 hour K-Mart.

24- My biggest flaw is my lack of confidence.

25- Im' 26 on the 22nd Nov. And will not be living at home. I kept that goal.

What to See...

I figure I would rely on stereotypes here....

Im spending a week in New york in October. I'm already seeing Mary Poppins, as I have loved the movie since I was a kid. Now my mate is meeting me and my other mate in NY and spending the rest of the trip with us.

He really wants to catch something on broadway while he's there, to say he's done it. Honestly If i was on my own i would proberly catch something every night of the week, I do love a musical. He would like to see a classic, so we might catch Phantom, which he has seen already years ago in Melbourne.

So I'm looking at what will be on and cannot decide on what to go see. So does anyone have any experience with any of the following musicals-

This was just in Melbourne, and i wasn't sure about it. I have never sat through the whole movie. But Elton John is a genius with musicals.. Just look at The Lion King

I have never seen Phantom, but Josh has. Does the NY version have the updated chandelier scene that i know Vegas has?

This is on in Melbourne at the moment, would be cheaper in NY, don't know much about it through

Wicked is Just wrapping up Melbourne and i saw it twice last year, but it is brilliant. Not sure if i can convince Josh to see it.

Chicago is just starting in Melbourne but would be better on the great white way i think. I love the movie, never seen the musical.

Ragtime, i have never heard of. It sounds like a revival and i know my mate was looking to see a classic.

Hair i know nothing about except one act ends in mass nudity :-p

West Side Story. Always been intrigued by. Never seen though, any good?

In The Heights. I know this one a tony award in the last few years. Know nothing beyond that.

South Pacific. Classic broadway i know, but i'm not too sure about it.

I know there are a few more show on Like Avenue Q, Lion King, Little Mermaid, Shrek. However i've either seen them or not interested. (I Really can't get my head around Shrek as a musical)

Even any plays out at the moment worth seeing? We were hoping "Mormon Musical" By the creators of South Park would be on but alas, no such luck

So anyone got any suggestions?

All's quiet on the Southern front.

I'm lazy. I wish i wrote on here more.

But i really can't think of anything meaningful to write about.

Life's great, My quick trip to Tokyo was amazing and should hold off the urge to go back for at least a year :-p Now all my focus is getting all the final bits in line for my USA trip in October. And on a particularly gay note, Britney is finally touring Australia and i tickets :-p

I'm moving out of home as soon as i get back from America in October with some great friends who know me for me and encourage me to be myself. I'm really looking forward to this new part of life, being more responsible and living in a place where i am fully myself.

Church over here seems allot more sedated then what i read about in America. I can only recall anything about gay marriage being brought up once at church it was in past, and it was the Bishop. And all he did was bring it up in a string of other issues in the world at this time. It's just not a topic that is brought up. I guess thats a good and bad thing, on one hand it's nice not to have to witness some of the hate filled talk i have read going on in America. But in a way it seems like it will be a ticking bomb for Australia and once it bursts I'm hopeful for a better attitude then what the US have experienced, but in ways Australia's still in the 80's/90's when it comes to Homosexuality.

I'm luck with my family though Mum always sticks up for gay rights in the most part, she has always supported her sister, who is gay. I remember Mum always saying my Aunts girlfriend was just like another siblings partner a part of the family who we loved. I'm so grateful for mum instilling this loving attitude in raising me. I have never had many of the problems others have had growing up. The extreme depression, fear, and urge to get rid of my sexuality. I honestly think my Mum is the reason for this. And for that i am so grateful to have been blessed to such an amazing mother.

Reading blogs and reading other's struggles always hurst me and makes me so sad that so many have had to go through so many trials, I never had to endure. I wish i could help them. I realize how luck i am, and need to remember this more often and not bitch about my past, where i was a lucky one, in comparison to so many.

All the blogs that I read have helped me in so many ways that i could never fully explain. looking back over the last 9 months, the growth i have seen in my life and maturity, you have all played a part in making me a better person, And i cannot thank you all enough.

I'll try to write more often, as this feeling i have now, of peace, i forgot that i get this after blogging.

Peace.

Prepare to be Freaked

This ad has been on tv allot the past couple of weeks and is freaking me out! Pretty messed up but very very clever.

I'm worried the nightmares will come soon, i live around the corner from the Cadbury Factory and have visions of hundreds of line works doing this perfectly in sync while packing chocolate

Just makes me Smile

Even if staged,

With Things like this going on it reminds me this is a pretty great world to live in-

Don't Judge a book by Its Cover...

I'm sure allot have seen this, but Wow! This was amazing.

She walked on stage and was written off and a joke on appearance alone.

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent
Uploaded by dwarthy

Then She Sang...

I mean sure, we all do it, I'm defiantly guilty of judging on looks but this does make me think. She has such an amazing voice!

My Post-Oscar Wrap

I sometimes think people must know I'm gay, because of some things I like, and do. For instance because I was willing to work Saturday to have today (Monday) off so I could watch the Oscars with a couple of mates. 

It's like my AFL Grand Final (or Super-bowl for my Northern Hemisphere Friends) 

I liked the changes this year; Hugh Jackman did great loved the musical number at the start. And fell more in love with Anne Hathaway to see how well she can sing.  

 The Show format this year was refreshing and cohesive and far more enjoyable than many prior years. I do hope they use the same producers and Hugh again next year. 

I might be the only one who thinks that Slumdog shouldn't have one; it was enjoyable but not Oscar good. But its to their own. 

High Points were defiantly the Milk wins. I loved this film and its message and learning about an important part of history that hit home for me. Dustin Lance Black won for best original screenplay for Milk. Well deserved and he gave a wonderful and heartfelt acceptance speech Here is a snippet of it that I loved: 

"When I was 13 years old, my beautiful mother and my father moved me from a conservative Mormon home in San Antonio, Texas to California, and I heard the story of Harvey Milk. And it gave me hope. It gave me the hope to live my life. It gave me the hope one day I could live my life openly as who I am and then maybe even I could even fall in love and one day get married.

I wanna thank my mom, who has always loved me for who I am even when there was pressure not to. But most of all, if Harvey had not been taken from us 30 years ago, I think he'd want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been told that they are less than by their churches, by the government or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value and that no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights federally, across this great nation of ours.

Thank you. Thank you. And thank you, God, for giving us Harvey Milk"

It was brilliant to see Kate Winslet finally won! She is one of my favorite actors and after seeing her playing "herself" in Extras I fell in love with her even more. She is an actor of such versatility and depth I'm sure we will see her win more Academy awards in the future. 

 

Then my friend and I both were hoping Sean Penn would win over Mickey Rouke and he did! Besides the personal connection to a film like Milk, I truly think Sean was the best actor in the category his performance was astounding and stood above the rest as far as I'm concerned. He also gave a brilliant speech with a powerful message on equal rights- 

"…For those who saw the signs of hatred as our cars drove in tonight, I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect, and anticipate the or great shame, and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue that way of support. We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone..."

Overall a great Oscars I really enjoyed it and am glad I took the day off work. These are like watching a sports final for me, and I'm ok with that :-)