And so it is…

Well it’s been a while were to start..

Since I last bothered to write on here, life has changed a bit.

I have the most amazing boyfriend, Sam. We have been together no for 4 months and he makes me ridiculously happy and I love him. Things between us are going great and seem to be headed for an epic future together, and I will stop there as I'm sure he will read this and don’t want to embarrass him interwebs style.

Naturally with my openness of our relationship to everyone in my life the church caught wind of it all and the Bishop finally tracked me down and we had a chat. Basically he wanted to know where I'm at how long I have felt this way and basically put down that I had to chose a “path” So basically I'm on the short path to excommunication from the church.

This isn’t really a problem for me as I have never really taken in any of the church’s teachings as I have been aware of who I am from a young age so I think on some level I knew this was coming eventually.

Still it is a bit weird to have something that has been in my life for 27 years suddenly being taken away, not a bad thing though, just I dunno different. Still If it always came down in life to choosing who I am and who the church wants me to be, the first wins, EVERY time.

I was discussing with Sam the other night that I'm thinking of just sending a letter of resignation into the church asking form my name to be removed from the records, kinda like beating them to the punch really. I really don’t want to be associated with an organization that stands for such hate against the person I am, simply because I'm who I am. So I think I will draft up the letter and send it off this week. I want to make it clear why I am leaving, that it isn’t directed at anyone personally but at the church’s teachings of intolerance and hate for me.

And so it all begins… :-)

It's Been a While

April 11th seems so far away now.

A couple of things have happened since then in my life changing it forever

- My Dad Suddenly collapsed on May 7th and Died on May 9th. He was 59 Yrs old.

- I realised how much i loved my dad and cared for him, when he was alive i honestly was never close to him and didn't think i would miss him. I miss him everyday.

- I have told everyone i wanted to tell myself that I'm Gay. Job Done.

- I have dated since April 11th and have been enjoying all that comes with that, the dinners the getting to know someone else the connections the misfires. It grows you.

I don't know if im ready to write about Dad yet, But i will say this. I Love the people of the Church. They came together and supported our family in the hardest times and carried us with no judgement just love. They have helped my Mum get by and The sense of community in the church really has shone. I will always remember that.

And... On a lighter note- My Friend has convinced me to get Twitter, Add me! Im looking quite pitiful at the moment with no followers, the username is bigglesworth003 :p

Housewife

If my heart could write songs it would sound like this.

My Post-Oscar Wrap

I sometimes think people must know I'm gay, because of some things I like, and do. For instance because I was willing to work Saturday to have today (Monday) off so I could watch the Oscars with a couple of mates. 

It's like my AFL Grand Final (or Super-bowl for my Northern Hemisphere Friends) 

I liked the changes this year; Hugh Jackman did great loved the musical number at the start. And fell more in love with Anne Hathaway to see how well she can sing.  

 The Show format this year was refreshing and cohesive and far more enjoyable than many prior years. I do hope they use the same producers and Hugh again next year. 

I might be the only one who thinks that Slumdog shouldn't have one; it was enjoyable but not Oscar good. But its to their own. 

High Points were defiantly the Milk wins. I loved this film and its message and learning about an important part of history that hit home for me. Dustin Lance Black won for best original screenplay for Milk. Well deserved and he gave a wonderful and heartfelt acceptance speech Here is a snippet of it that I loved: 

"When I was 13 years old, my beautiful mother and my father moved me from a conservative Mormon home in San Antonio, Texas to California, and I heard the story of Harvey Milk. And it gave me hope. It gave me the hope to live my life. It gave me the hope one day I could live my life openly as who I am and then maybe even I could even fall in love and one day get married.

I wanna thank my mom, who has always loved me for who I am even when there was pressure not to. But most of all, if Harvey had not been taken from us 30 years ago, I think he'd want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been told that they are less than by their churches, by the government or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value and that no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights federally, across this great nation of ours.

Thank you. Thank you. And thank you, God, for giving us Harvey Milk"

It was brilliant to see Kate Winslet finally won! She is one of my favorite actors and after seeing her playing "herself" in Extras I fell in love with her even more. She is an actor of such versatility and depth I'm sure we will see her win more Academy awards in the future. 

 

Then my friend and I both were hoping Sean Penn would win over Mickey Rouke and he did! Besides the personal connection to a film like Milk, I truly think Sean was the best actor in the category his performance was astounding and stood above the rest as far as I'm concerned. He also gave a brilliant speech with a powerful message on equal rights- 

"…For those who saw the signs of hatred as our cars drove in tonight, I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect, and anticipate the or great shame, and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue that way of support. We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone..."

Overall a great Oscars I really enjoyed it and am glad I took the day off work. These are like watching a sports final for me, and I'm ok with that :-) 

Doubt

Today I went with a friend and saw Doubt.  This was an excellent film. The entire cast were amazing and the story is chilling. I won’t go into too many details as not to spoil it. It has to do with the Catholic Church in the late 70’s and a Nun’s (Amy Adams) suspicions that the priest (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is molesting a child in the school. She tells the head nun (The brilliant Meryl Streep) her suspicions and the Head nun’s headstrong mission to bring down the priest on no evidence whatsoever is the bulk of the film.

The film had many great messages in it about judgment, gossip and of course the title doubt.

Throughout the film and the rest of today I have been distracted and consumed on thinking about that word Doubt.

My doubts are growing especially in the church. I think on some level they have always been there right from my younger years. It’s weird I have always just “coasted” along in the church. I did it all scouts, because it’s what you did. Ventures, because it’s what you did. Youth Programmes, because it’s what you did. Even Seminary. I did all four years without missing a day, at 6am in the freaking morning! I’m convinced that’s why 7 years later I’m still always tired.

Even out of 4 years of study I know nothing. I remember sitting with my best friend as she slept through the entire thing woke up for any scripture games and just won them all much to the annoyance of the teacher.  Looking back I’m not even sure why I never missed a day. I wasn’t pressured to go 100%. I remember Romans 1:16 and that’s about it:

Romans 1:16

16 ¶ For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

It’s amazing now that I think about it that this is the one thing I remember from Seminary, besides the pissing around with friends. I keep saying this scripture and I think it has hit me.

I think I may realise my problem I don’t know if I believe it. I mean the church itself, I’m not sure I believe it. There has always been some doubt in my mind. I believe in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, hell even the gospel the scriptures I think I believe. However the LDS Church and what it stands for, I’m just not sure I believe it.

A church that I have been apart of my entire life. I have struggled with all my life on some level. I have known since I can remember having feelings of attraction that I was different that I was gay. I tried to convince myself that maybe it was cause I hadn’t even done anything intimate with a girl, maybe I was bi, but on some level I know I have always been gay. This has always been there, and even though I knew this church’s stance on my feelings and urges,

I have known inside me there isn’t anything wrong with them. I could never get my head around the fact that Heavenly Father created me and these feelings came with it, how could his church be against me if he made me like this?

So with this doubt always being in the back, front and side of my mind I think it made me never get too spiritually/or otherwise involved in the church in my teenage years to even now.  I have beared my testimony which has always been your stock standard mix of what you hear in most testimonies. All talks I have ever done have been all business no personal stories or antiqudotes. All lessons I have ever taught all from the manual, I guess spiritual inspiration has never played apart in my involvement in the church, which is my own fault too.

I thought I’d be okay with “coasting” along still for a while, however a proposition in another country, in another hemisphere, seemingly so far from my world, changed all that. Still a couple of months later it still sits on my mind. It breaks my heart that this church I grew up in doesn’t truly love and accept me for the person I am. To the point of spending money, interjecting in politics and spreading hate towards me, us.

Recently I was sitting in sacrament meeting, it was the Christmas one.  The choir was singing O Holy Night. It was beautiful. I remember closing my eyes and feeling so badly how I wished someone I loved was with me to hold my hand and enjoy that with me. The sprit I felt then with my hand open next to me on the pew with my eye’s closed thinking of this perfect loving moment.

I knew that my heavenly father wants nothing more than for me to be happy and in love with my partner and be able to sit there holding his hand and not be ashamed or segregated for it.

That I have no Doubt in.