"So Where were you for 9/11?"

Hi there, yes i am still around.

Well i have been a busy guy the past month and a bit and am wondering when i will get a breather, but its all good life is going swimmingly, thanks for asking. Get comfy i have a feeling this could be a long one... (With every bone in my body i am stopping my self from writing Thats what...)

Where oh where to begin....

Well just after my september blog, I left on an epic trip across America. Now this was my forth trip to the USA in the past 7 years so i didn't plan too much, compared to previous trips. This was an EXCELLENT idea. I went with a mate who had been before and we also met up with another friend who came along with us for the last 10 days. This was the best holiday i have ever had, being with two of my best friends, being ourselves was relaxing, and fun. It defiantly made me realise allot of things in my life and show me how happy i am where im at right now. A few highlights-

-Disneyland, my happy place. It never gets old. And going my Josh, who had never been was awesome, he was like taking a 6 year old for the first time

-Vegas! So this was the first time i'd been here were i was over 21 and not with family... allot of crazy times were had in true vegas style and i saw Zumanity. If you go to vegas and arn't easily offended by sexuality check out Zumanity AMAZING and HOT!

-New York. The greatest city in the world.. (well with Tokyo) A week here was phenomenal. I never get tired of this city.

Shows, Saw allot of shows (A Tip of the hat to the great Austin and Todd for the awesome suggestions) I ended up seeing West Side Story, In the Heights, Mary Poppins, God of Carnage. In the heights is my new favourite musical it was amazing and i connected to it from the get go. West Side Story was great a classic, and Mary Popping was magical. God of Carnage is the best play i have ever seen the cast was brilliant and the story fascinating and hilarious!

-So Gay, Me and my mate saw Naked Boys Singing, yes it was the gayest thing i have done in public. It was really funny though and a great view. Google it to find out more.

-The Museum of Sex- Josh met up with us and we discovered a block from the hotel a museum we could enjoy. A real eye opener and sure we were like 10 year olds looking at a playboy giggling but had a great time.

-The Upright Citizens Brigade, I will say this ASSSSCAT sunday nights at the UCB theatre is the funniest thing i have ever been too. the first improve opened- A lady at a bar stirring her drink with her straw goes up to a guy, her pickup line "So Where were you for 9/11" We knew it was going to be a great night. Google it and make sure you do it while in NY you won't be disappointed. The improve group changes all the time with SNL, 30 Rock, Daily Show regulars. We had Rob Riggle from the Daily Show and Bobby Moynihan from SNL and a few others they were so funny i have never laughed so much in a 90min space.

-David Letterman and Chelsea Lately, got to go to tapings of both were great and Chelsea signed my book :p

-Road trip, We drove LA to Vegas and New York to DC were both a blast great times to see the weirdest shit and just relax and talk shit with your friends. We stopped in at Six Flags in Jersey and me and Paul rode Kingda Ka the tallest and fastest Coaster in the world, I didn't crap myself!

-DC, what a beautiful city with so much to see. This was the first time id been there will defiantly be back.

-The international Spy Museum, Ok so you want to relive your childhood (ok and adult) dreams of being a spy, go hear so interesting and FUN! the consensus was it is the best museum we had been to period.

SO in short (well not really but what ever) We had such a great time, Great friends, great conversation, and great memories, and not too many headache filled mornings :) My Mates Paul and Josh i proberly am in debt to them for life, they are amazing friends who have helped me in life more then they will proberly ever know. There the greatest bro's i never had.

Well Since getting home i have started my new job, which i love, great people to work with and really interesting field of work.

All i grew up and moved out of home 3 weeks after returning. I am now living with my friends Josh (Yes the dude i travelled with) and Erin. Moving out has been a long time coming. I almost feel bad that i just haven't missed living at home since i left a month ago but im loving my own space and being able to be myself. Ex and Josh are the best people to live with so i have lucked out of late and am loving life out on my own.

I was out with mum at costco the other day and she asked me if i still wanted to teach (I teach in primary, she is the primary pres.) I just told her no, i think she knew already and the best thing is she didn't care, I do have the best mum. I really am struggling to find the reasoning of going to church now that im not living at home, I was really only going to keep the peace round the house. Now i don't have too why bother.

Im planning on telling my parents in the next month... But how is whats killing me. I'm thinking of telling mum and letting her deal with Dad. Mum i honestly don't think will have an issue with it im pretty sure she knows and she is the best has always said she would just want us happy with who ever we love. Dad i don't see going well and as cruel as it sounds, i don't feel the need to tell him directly as we have never been too close, (no ones fault, well... proberly a little mine i guess... but thats for another time) I'm thinking of telling Mum just before Christmas as they are of to my Aunts in Queensland for Christmas, and Mum's family aren't members and her other sister will be there and shes a lesbian, I think they might be the best people to have them going to after i drop the G News :)

And with them it will really be everyone told I would be effectively 100% out. Kinda cool i think, Looking back i have come leaps in the past year. Yay!

In case i don't write again before The Season-

Thanks to all of you. You might not know it as i don't comment much, am a bit she and don't talk, but your blogs, talks, and comments have helped save me and helped me to where i am today Love you all.

Have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, A tip top Tebt, Crazy Kwanzaa and a solemn and dignified Rhamadah.

OH! and HAPPY FESTIVUS!!!!

Easy Answers

In all lead ups to the intimate moments in life i really wish you could just send your perspective "mate" one of the following songs, in lieu of the awkward towards the end of the date/night....

Or..



Or..

I swear i will do a real blog update soon.

B.

It's Time, Almost

Well I leave on my holiday in two days!

Everything is planned and penciled in now and im at my last day of work today, as it looks like anyway, i will return from this holiday and straight into my new job, assuming the security clearance passes!

My mate who im traveling with left today, lucky bastard! But ill meet up with him in Anaheim on thursday and the holiday will begin!

Highlights of the upcoming trip are-

• Disneyland Resort (I truly am a geek, This will be my second Disney resort in 6 months! What can i say it's my "Laughing Place"
• Ice Hockey Game (Ducks Vs Sharks this Saturday) this is about the only sport i have ever been slightly interested in.
• Taping of Chelsea Lately
  
• Vegas with my mates
• Grand Canyon
• New York, My second favorite city in the world, a week of soaking it in, Broadway (i think i have nailed down my choices, thanks Austin and Todd!)
  
• Driving to DC to NYC
  
• Washington DC, this is my forth trip to the states thought it was time i checked out your history.
• Catching up with Ezra
• Spending two days on the Set of a movie. (My friends best friend is an actor and he landed the leading role in a new big comic book movie coming out in 2011 so were catching up with him and hanging out with him at work for those last couple of days.. you should be able to figure out who this is by looking up Aussie actor comic book movie and 2011 :-p)
  
• Shopping! (Thank goodness the Aussie $$$ is fairing much better then 2 months ago against the US$$$)
  
• RELAXING!
  

I doubt i will be updating this blog till the end of October but if you are interested in how im doing photos etc. feel free to add me on Face book. I decided to be less unknown on this blog and added the FB Badge.... Step by little Step.

One

We were sitting having a late dinner discussing my upcoming trip. Specifically my mate I'm traveling with, who is also gay.

My mate I was eating with was making a joke that i should watch my back while traveling to make sure my friend wouldn't make any moves on me.

I laughed it off saying I'm sure this wouldn't be a problem! The conversation veered to homosexuality, and him not being able to get his head around being attracted to another guy and he just assumes that they are attracted to all guys. Me trying to explain to him, in a round about way without shedding light on myself being gay, that it works the same as him being attracted to women, "Your not attracted to all women right? It's the same thing!"

Well the talk continued and his lack of understanding it came into discussion. "I guess i just don't get how it works, men, at a primitive level, want to create/procreate. Two dudes can't do that"

Well, i tried explaining this without disclosing my self, but it seemed stupid and pointless. At this point I gave up, and spoke directly. "Look, You are just born this way. I'm Gay and i can tell you i have NEVER been attracted to women, I don't find all guys attractive..."

I wasn't expecting to do it, but I finally came out to a friend from Church. He took it great. He did say he still stands to his not understanding on a primitive level, which i explained I wish i could have an awnser for you, but i can tell you i have always been this way and the primitive urge to pro-create isn't there.

I was really impressed with his reaction, and making it a non issue. He is still the same friend to me as he was 5 mins before telling him. He didn't lay any church on me about it, instead was intrigued about who i found hot, who knew, would i tell my parents, how i think they would take it etc.

He rid all the fears i had on coming out to any church friends.

I hope all my church mates will be like this.

I GOT IT!!

I got a new job!

I'll be working for the US Consulate General's Office in Melbourne*

*Pending security and medical check

Its a position as a Visa Clerk, and will be starting just after i get back from America! The good olde US of A government seems like a good employer great remuneration, both Australian and American public holidays and plenty of annual leave!

Very Excited!!

Confidence

I lack it,
I wish i didn't but its one shell im having trouble breaking!

I don't really know why. It makes me very shy in large groups of people i don't know. Even online it gets me i rarely start a conversation on face book, I start to think, there probably busy, what if they don't want to chat? Insane I know.

Even when people approach me. I have lost about 37kg in the last 18 months and, especially at church, i get complimented. As soon as they say something i say thanks, then will always say something like "Just a few more kg and ill be done" Why can't i just take a compliment and be happy? I don't know.

I think it has to do with spending most of my life, bar the last few years, hiding so much of myself. I've always tried to deflect attention on myself, in fears of being found out to be the gay kid. Tried to blend in with everyone else's views, thoughts, opinions the list could go on.

Coming out slowly but surley has helped definatly. I'm not nearly as shy as i once was, working with the public got me out of my shell quick. Following that my thoughts have been coming out too, everyone now knows the disgusting humor i have, the love for just horrible pop music.

Still though anyone complimenting me makes me uncomferatble. I just can't figure out why?? Is it from growing up as the fat kid? Being the gay closet kid growing up? Church drilling us with how horrible pride is?

And how do i break this?

I have come along way the past few years, and love where i am in life i have the greatest friends i am 99.9% myself now, and the weight on my back of hiding is gone. Just this one last shell to break.

Twenty-Five

I'm 25 years old and this is my 25th blog entry, 25 random things about me-

1- My first memory of being gay was when i was eight. I loved the movie Home Alone, I thought Macaulay Culkin was awesome. I watched that movie about 10 times on holiday and distinctively remember a dream where were were hanging out as best friends and even held hands.

2- I can recite the narration to the stretching room scene in The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.

3- In a week i have gone from knowing very little about True Blood to becoming hooked and watching season 1 and all the shown episodes of season 2. The similarities on how vampires are treated in it to the way gays are is interesting to see.

4- I have a second interview for a new job at the US Consulate this week

5- I rarely get depressed, but when i do, it hits me like a car, and sticks around for a while.

6- I wish i could dance.

7- I never realized how much i listen to Musicals until i looked at my Top 25 played songs in itunes. 15 of them are from musicals, you have to get to number 7 for the first non-musical.

8- I seem to not be able to get through a day at work without involuntarily saying "Thats what she said" to something my boss says.

9- Vegimite on toast is the greatest breakfast in the world.

10- While in the laundry with my mum, checking my pockets for rubbish i pulled out a condom wrapper. Im still hoping her eye sight is crap without her glasses.

11- After coming out to a friend a while ago my friend asked allot of questions including whether i would prefer to be "Heath" or "Jake"... I still find that the funniest/greatest way to ask such a question.

12- I haven't stopped listing to the soundtracks for West Side Story and In the Heights this week.

13- I hate Perez Hilton, but read his website. Anyone who manages to "report" and draw sperm on peoples faces brings out the 12 year old in me.

14- I have to sleep with music on. If it's silent i think and stay awake for hours.

15- I have come so far in my coming out, but when my family brings up the lack of a girlfriend i feel so uncomfortable, yet I'm too chicken shit to just tell them I'm gay, until i move out.

16- One of the best and gayest nights of my life was a Kylie Minogue Concert.

17- I have come out to almost all my non-church friends, it would have been all of them except for a lack of seeing some.

18- Channing Tatum is hot.

19- I think in a world where women and men should be equal that the word cock should be as equally offensive as cunt, for equal rights sake :-p

20- I watch too much TV. If a show I get into a show too much while watching it, i start to think i know these people.

21- Any doubts i had of being gay were obliterated when i was 16 and with Reece.

22- I enjoy exercising. Its time with me and Music my head is the clearest in these times.

23- A third of my DVD collection can be attributed to 3am trips with friends to 24 hour K-Mart.

24- My biggest flaw is my lack of confidence.

25- Im' 26 on the 22nd Nov. And will not be living at home. I kept that goal.

What to See...

I figure I would rely on stereotypes here....

Im spending a week in New york in October. I'm already seeing Mary Poppins, as I have loved the movie since I was a kid. Now my mate is meeting me and my other mate in NY and spending the rest of the trip with us.

He really wants to catch something on broadway while he's there, to say he's done it. Honestly If i was on my own i would proberly catch something every night of the week, I do love a musical. He would like to see a classic, so we might catch Phantom, which he has seen already years ago in Melbourne.

So I'm looking at what will be on and cannot decide on what to go see. So does anyone have any experience with any of the following musicals-

This was just in Melbourne, and i wasn't sure about it. I have never sat through the whole movie. But Elton John is a genius with musicals.. Just look at The Lion King

I have never seen Phantom, but Josh has. Does the NY version have the updated chandelier scene that i know Vegas has?

This is on in Melbourne at the moment, would be cheaper in NY, don't know much about it through

Wicked is Just wrapping up Melbourne and i saw it twice last year, but it is brilliant. Not sure if i can convince Josh to see it.

Chicago is just starting in Melbourne but would be better on the great white way i think. I love the movie, never seen the musical.

Ragtime, i have never heard of. It sounds like a revival and i know my mate was looking to see a classic.

Hair i know nothing about except one act ends in mass nudity :-p

West Side Story. Always been intrigued by. Never seen though, any good?

In The Heights. I know this one a tony award in the last few years. Know nothing beyond that.

South Pacific. Classic broadway i know, but i'm not too sure about it.

I know there are a few more show on Like Avenue Q, Lion King, Little Mermaid, Shrek. However i've either seen them or not interested. (I Really can't get my head around Shrek as a musical)

Even any plays out at the moment worth seeing? We were hoping "Mormon Musical" By the creators of South Park would be on but alas, no such luck

So anyone got any suggestions?

All's quiet on the Southern front.

I'm lazy. I wish i wrote on here more.

But i really can't think of anything meaningful to write about.

Life's great, My quick trip to Tokyo was amazing and should hold off the urge to go back for at least a year :-p Now all my focus is getting all the final bits in line for my USA trip in October. And on a particularly gay note, Britney is finally touring Australia and i tickets :-p

I'm moving out of home as soon as i get back from America in October with some great friends who know me for me and encourage me to be myself. I'm really looking forward to this new part of life, being more responsible and living in a place where i am fully myself.

Church over here seems allot more sedated then what i read about in America. I can only recall anything about gay marriage being brought up once at church it was in past, and it was the Bishop. And all he did was bring it up in a string of other issues in the world at this time. It's just not a topic that is brought up. I guess thats a good and bad thing, on one hand it's nice not to have to witness some of the hate filled talk i have read going on in America. But in a way it seems like it will be a ticking bomb for Australia and once it bursts I'm hopeful for a better attitude then what the US have experienced, but in ways Australia's still in the 80's/90's when it comes to Homosexuality.

I'm luck with my family though Mum always sticks up for gay rights in the most part, she has always supported her sister, who is gay. I remember Mum always saying my Aunts girlfriend was just like another siblings partner a part of the family who we loved. I'm so grateful for mum instilling this loving attitude in raising me. I have never had many of the problems others have had growing up. The extreme depression, fear, and urge to get rid of my sexuality. I honestly think my Mum is the reason for this. And for that i am so grateful to have been blessed to such an amazing mother.

Reading blogs and reading other's struggles always hurst me and makes me so sad that so many have had to go through so many trials, I never had to endure. I wish i could help them. I realize how luck i am, and need to remember this more often and not bitch about my past, where i was a lucky one, in comparison to so many.

All the blogs that I read have helped me in so many ways that i could never fully explain. looking back over the last 9 months, the growth i have seen in my life and maturity, you have all played a part in making me a better person, And i cannot thank you all enough.

I'll try to write more often, as this feeling i have now, of peace, i forgot that i get this after blogging.

Peace.

Prepare to be Freaked

This ad has been on tv allot the past couple of weeks and is freaking me out! Pretty messed up but very very clever.

I'm worried the nightmares will come soon, i live around the corner from the Cadbury Factory and have visions of hundreds of line works doing this perfectly in sync while packing chocolate

Just makes me Smile

Even if staged,

With Things like this going on it reminds me this is a pretty great world to live in-

Don't Judge a book by Its Cover...

I'm sure allot have seen this, but Wow! This was amazing.

She walked on stage and was written off and a joke on appearance alone.

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent
Uploaded by dwarthy

Then She Sang...

I mean sure, we all do it, I'm defiantly guilty of judging on looks but this does make me think. She has such an amazing voice!

My Post-Oscar Wrap

I sometimes think people must know I'm gay, because of some things I like, and do. For instance because I was willing to work Saturday to have today (Monday) off so I could watch the Oscars with a couple of mates. 

It's like my AFL Grand Final (or Super-bowl for my Northern Hemisphere Friends) 

I liked the changes this year; Hugh Jackman did great loved the musical number at the start. And fell more in love with Anne Hathaway to see how well she can sing.  

 The Show format this year was refreshing and cohesive and far more enjoyable than many prior years. I do hope they use the same producers and Hugh again next year. 

I might be the only one who thinks that Slumdog shouldn't have one; it was enjoyable but not Oscar good. But its to their own. 

High Points were defiantly the Milk wins. I loved this film and its message and learning about an important part of history that hit home for me. Dustin Lance Black won for best original screenplay for Milk. Well deserved and he gave a wonderful and heartfelt acceptance speech Here is a snippet of it that I loved: 

"When I was 13 years old, my beautiful mother and my father moved me from a conservative Mormon home in San Antonio, Texas to California, and I heard the story of Harvey Milk. And it gave me hope. It gave me the hope to live my life. It gave me the hope one day I could live my life openly as who I am and then maybe even I could even fall in love and one day get married.

I wanna thank my mom, who has always loved me for who I am even when there was pressure not to. But most of all, if Harvey had not been taken from us 30 years ago, I think he'd want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been told that they are less than by their churches, by the government or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value and that no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights federally, across this great nation of ours.

Thank you. Thank you. And thank you, God, for giving us Harvey Milk"

It was brilliant to see Kate Winslet finally won! She is one of my favorite actors and after seeing her playing "herself" in Extras I fell in love with her even more. She is an actor of such versatility and depth I'm sure we will see her win more Academy awards in the future. 

 

Then my friend and I both were hoping Sean Penn would win over Mickey Rouke and he did! Besides the personal connection to a film like Milk, I truly think Sean was the best actor in the category his performance was astounding and stood above the rest as far as I'm concerned. He also gave a brilliant speech with a powerful message on equal rights- 

"…For those who saw the signs of hatred as our cars drove in tonight, I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect, and anticipate the or great shame, and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue that way of support. We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone..."

Overall a great Oscars I really enjoyed it and am glad I took the day off work. These are like watching a sports final for me, and I'm ok with that :-) 

"I still call Australia home"

221 Years ago this great nation was founded. What began as a place for England to send their convicts has grown developed and is my home. I am so grateful for the pioneers and explorers who built this nation into what we have today. 

This type of post would come to a shock to many of my friends. I don’t really come off as passionate or patriotic. I hate AFL (Australian Football League) and Cricket. Australian politics bore me and I never seem to care too much about the outcome here. One of my biggest goals is to move away and get a job and new life overseas.

Yet I am still very Australian. I never realised how many “traits” of an Australian I carry till I first went to America. I seriously thought I never said mate, turns out I use it, allot. When you’re the only one around saying it starts to standout. I embrace my “mateness” though.  Also, get ready to cringe, there is nothing better then Vegemite on toast for breakfast.

I do love my country. No matter where I end up in this world Australia will always be my home. Our rich diversity, culture and nature are so unique. I sometimes forget how lucky I am to be an Australian. We have one of the most beautiful countries in the world, which I have been lucky to see allot of.  Last year I visited my oldest friend who moved up to Magnetic Island, off the Northern coast of Queensland, and I hadn’t seen such beautiful untouched land in some time.

From the country to the city, to the coast, to the outback. I live in a country of such unimaginable splendour I have taken for granted all these years.

Even though I live in a country that the majority of people disagree with who i am, and the rights i know all deserve, I still love it. the freedom to choose what we feel is right is not something i would want to live without, even when it is against me. We can only continue to live in harmony and together and hope that our examples can change other's views and beliefs on issues that differ from our own beliefs. I do have hope in this country, that it will continue to evolve and work to equal rights for all, along with the rest of the world.  

I am proud to say I am Australian, and will always, no matter where I end up in this amazing world, call Australia Home.

Happy Australia Day. 

 

Doubt

Today I went with a friend and saw Doubt.  This was an excellent film. The entire cast were amazing and the story is chilling. I won’t go into too many details as not to spoil it. It has to do with the Catholic Church in the late 70’s and a Nun’s (Amy Adams) suspicions that the priest (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is molesting a child in the school. She tells the head nun (The brilliant Meryl Streep) her suspicions and the Head nun’s headstrong mission to bring down the priest on no evidence whatsoever is the bulk of the film.

The film had many great messages in it about judgment, gossip and of course the title doubt.

Throughout the film and the rest of today I have been distracted and consumed on thinking about that word Doubt.

My doubts are growing especially in the church. I think on some level they have always been there right from my younger years. It’s weird I have always just “coasted” along in the church. I did it all scouts, because it’s what you did. Ventures, because it’s what you did. Youth Programmes, because it’s what you did. Even Seminary. I did all four years without missing a day, at 6am in the freaking morning! I’m convinced that’s why 7 years later I’m still always tired.

Even out of 4 years of study I know nothing. I remember sitting with my best friend as she slept through the entire thing woke up for any scripture games and just won them all much to the annoyance of the teacher.  Looking back I’m not even sure why I never missed a day. I wasn’t pressured to go 100%. I remember Romans 1:16 and that’s about it:

Romans 1:16

16 ¶ For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

It’s amazing now that I think about it that this is the one thing I remember from Seminary, besides the pissing around with friends. I keep saying this scripture and I think it has hit me.

I think I may realise my problem I don’t know if I believe it. I mean the church itself, I’m not sure I believe it. There has always been some doubt in my mind. I believe in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, hell even the gospel the scriptures I think I believe. However the LDS Church and what it stands for, I’m just not sure I believe it.

A church that I have been apart of my entire life. I have struggled with all my life on some level. I have known since I can remember having feelings of attraction that I was different that I was gay. I tried to convince myself that maybe it was cause I hadn’t even done anything intimate with a girl, maybe I was bi, but on some level I know I have always been gay. This has always been there, and even though I knew this church’s stance on my feelings and urges,

I have known inside me there isn’t anything wrong with them. I could never get my head around the fact that Heavenly Father created me and these feelings came with it, how could his church be against me if he made me like this?

So with this doubt always being in the back, front and side of my mind I think it made me never get too spiritually/or otherwise involved in the church in my teenage years to even now.  I have beared my testimony which has always been your stock standard mix of what you hear in most testimonies. All talks I have ever done have been all business no personal stories or antiqudotes. All lessons I have ever taught all from the manual, I guess spiritual inspiration has never played apart in my involvement in the church, which is my own fault too.

I thought I’d be okay with “coasting” along still for a while, however a proposition in another country, in another hemisphere, seemingly so far from my world, changed all that. Still a couple of months later it still sits on my mind. It breaks my heart that this church I grew up in doesn’t truly love and accept me for the person I am. To the point of spending money, interjecting in politics and spreading hate towards me, us.

Recently I was sitting in sacrament meeting, it was the Christmas one.  The choir was singing O Holy Night. It was beautiful. I remember closing my eyes and feeling so badly how I wished someone I loved was with me to hold my hand and enjoy that with me. The sprit I felt then with my hand open next to me on the pew with my eye’s closed thinking of this perfect loving moment.

I knew that my heavenly father wants nothing more than for me to be happy and in love with my partner and be able to sit there holding his hand and not be ashamed or segregated for it.

That I have no Doubt in.