Friends

Da Dah dahdada  da dah dah dah dah…

I imagine that if my non-member friends are anything to go by coming out to everyone would be a non-issue. (I Imagine, I'm more certain my Fear will be closer to the reality)

I spent last night with some of my closest friends having an amazing conversation about life, and being gay. It was great to talk about as they are so supportive and loving and just love to hear and talk about it and discuss all odd and crazy aspects. They just see me as their friend not their gay friend. I’m not sure if this is making sense or coming out how I want it too. 

We generally talk about everything within each other’s lives and since I came out to them September, nothing has changed I’m not treated differently I think we are all just closer. My mate asks do you think his hot; would you “go” him? No more questions about women and giving the default 3: Angelina Jolie, Jenifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson.  Now it’s just Ryan Reynolds, Zach Efron and so many more.

The two friends I was out with are actually a couple, and have just been the greatest support since I came out to them. After chickening out 4-5 times over a couple of months, I dropped them off and was kicking my self on the way home as I once again hadn’t told them. I turned around and saw that Joel had left his jumper in my car, and I thought great I’ll go take it back and spill it. I got there very nervous we are talking and I said “ Look I need to tell you guys something, I have been meaning to for a while now, but always cop out and don’t. You two have been great friends who I don’t want to hide anything from. I’m Gay.” Now this was particularly terrify for me, as he was the first guy I had actually told, everyone else I had told were female friends.  Well it all went well they embraced me and offered their support and love and to stand by me if ever I needed it.

Well this day came up in conversation at dinner, as I was saying how I think most people think I’m gay. Which they said never had before that day, Well Joel said he knew when I came back and said I wanted to tell them something, as his sister came out recently and it was the same nervousness etc and he was thinking “here we go”. And Emily tells me “Honestly I thought you were going to say something horrible like you have cancer!” 

Joel did mention that how he found it funny after I went to shake his hand and he was thinking “what” and just wrapped his arms around me. I hadn’t thought about it since really but I remember, as weird as it is that hug just lifted my spirit up and I knew I was ok, it took me leaps in my progression of realising me in a sense. The nerves went away and I think that positive response from another male, a straight male, convinced me that the world isn’t a horrible place, that another guy won’t “disown” you in fear that you must then want them cause there a guy and you like guys.  And that now I had broken though that I feel could tell anyone.

My friend who I have a bit of a crush on is now coming to America with me next year. We caught up last night too with Joel and Erin after dinner and we were talking about the trip And one thing he said to me again made me so grateful to have these great friends He said “And you can be yourself you can be you on a trip with me” Things like that are always make the fear go away for a while. Knowing that though it all there will still be people standing next to you.

I like to imagine that everyone would respond the same as Joel and Emily, Peter and the other friends I have told so far. I have been thinking of late that I will be out to all within the next 12 Months, and in one way it scares me. The disappointment, the judging, the gossip, the possibility of being out casted and sent to a council. The possibility my father will never look at me again the Fear my mother will never look at me the same. 

Then on the other hand I feel there might be peace within at the end of it all I won’t be hiding behind this rock. I won’t have to just stay silent when someone says something I disagree with in fear of being “caught” I won't be able to use the excuse of being caught as a reason not to talk to someone i might like, I might get some confidence. 

I still love the church and believe in allot of its teachings, But i feel the church, more and more lately doesn't have a space for who i see me as. And members who say they love me might happen to have a disclaimer * in there somewhere. 

I guess all I can do is hope and dream that after all is said and done some might surprise me and still be willing “to stand next to me”