An Introduction is in Order?

I don’t know why I’m writing this but, I figure after reading over several blogs the last few months I should perhaps do one, see if it helps me with me. Reading all these blogs has been a great source of information and comfort realising Wow! I’m not the only one thinking this way feeling this way, being this way. 

Guess I should say a bit about myself.  I live in Australia was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and am Gay.

It’s a weird predicament. Growing up I think I knew at some level, tried to kid my self thought maybe I’m bi but as I grew I knew who I was and have become less worried about the reaction as the years go by.

Church has always been there on top of church I went to high school at a Lutheran School. So of course I tried to be straight. And have been doing well with it since an early age. Problem is why should I bother being something I’m not? I'm not happy being like it I’m not happy pretending I don’t love pop music, musicals, desperate housewives, greys anatomy, and love Disney. Having to Hear family and friends mock Gays/Fags/Queers etc. in fact lately it’s starting to piss me off. I had to get glasses recently My Dad sees them first comment there kind of gay. Felt like just blurting out so’s ya son deal with it, but that’s for another day.

I have always gone to church grew up with great friends but I work with allot of Mormons too which comes with more shame the talks about fags and mocking and judging has gotten to me of late, and just makes me feel that the church won’t accept me for all of me and even if the gospel did the people of the church would properly destroy me, I hope I’m wrong but I just feel it. I feel it during sacrament I feel like there’s a spotlight on me that I’m different to the rest here I can't imagine how walking in there on a Sunday after coming out to all, those that do are brave and I respect you all and must have great wards.

I have always had a conflict with its teachings and honestly it, at times just bores me. Especially the last 5 years I just hear the same thing over and over.I don’t know why I still go as often as I do I think it’s to keep my parents happy. My brother left when he was 16 so I have been there ray of light church wise, I don’t know what its like in the rest of the world but 1 child leaving the church both would really bring them down. So I’m sure my brother will become the greatest thing ever when I come out to my parents. Which I really want to do on one hand and another it scares the shit outta me, I don’t want to disappoint, but I want to be ME.

I was on the default church path 19 started to think of a mission for all the wrong reasons not for me just to do what was expected. I knew deep down I shouldn’t go it would be wrong and disrespectful to a church, which has been nothing but good to me in an indirect sort of way. Luckily I got a new job and decided to work and travel allot. And the mission just got erased from memory. The questions dropped off and now I’m just that guy that never went, (I’m sure people suspect I am who I know I am)  I have travelled around a fair bit I love America, Hong Kong, Mexico and Japan. I think I love the travel as I can be me with out the judgment of sorts I don’t know, i do travel with friends most of the time but i still feel more like the true me then i do in Australia doing the day to day. I see cheap airfare and just buy them and worry about the rest later, like the other day dirt cheap to LA so I'm back in Oct 09’ All I was thinking was I can go to New York and Disneyland again 2 places I feel so like me, I’m rambling.

Since I was 21 I have started to come out to friends most my close friends know and are fantastic. Not one friend from church knows as church is a gossipy place and id really like my parents to find out from me now some random sister looking for the latest ward scandal its been a few years since a decent one :-p. The more I tell on one hand I feel better as I don’t have to pretend to these people and am me and they ask me about it and always looking out for me which has just made me in some aspects happier to be me. On the other hand I’m still lonely. I don’t know why I thought things would turn around once I started to come out. I wouldn’t feel lonely I might find someone to be with, like, love. But still lonely there unfortunately most my friends who know are straight and a couple they have great times together and have someone to go with at the end of the day I have my tv.

I do have one friend, who I have had a crush on for some time this year, came out of no were. We were out having a blast and I just started falling for him we click so well and have the same dirty humour and can talk about anything and no matter what cannot offended each other. I have this horrible mind, which comes with a list a mile long of what I can blurt out in front of who and what I can’t in front of others. Really I have a sick twisted humour don’t know where it comes from. Well after months of trying to tell him I’m gay, just cause his such a great friend I wanted him to know about me, I finally caved and did it. He was great and came out to me in sort and told me he is Bi. Still confidence and me don’t mix and we still hang out and are great friends, nothing has changed since the exchange in confessions, its like we always knew. Still can’t tell him that one thing, as I would not want to loose the friendship. Plus a bi guy I think will only hurt me. But I’m sure I will bring this up again so….

Wow this just kept coming, ill wind this up so I can blog my things and stuff instead of jam it all into an intro. So want to thank all mohos who write it has helped me tremendously and also thanks to one who caught me out reading his and chatted to me and let me vent a bit and just to talk to someone in a similar situation and made me realise I’m not the only one,  that this could be a good avenue for it . You are all great people.  

Well i finally did this, all it took was not being able to sleep.

 

So in ending Hello, I am B, nice to meet you, well you know..