And so it is…

Well it’s been a while were to start..

Since I last bothered to write on here, life has changed a bit.

I have the most amazing boyfriend, Sam. We have been together no for 4 months and he makes me ridiculously happy and I love him. Things between us are going great and seem to be headed for an epic future together, and I will stop there as I'm sure he will read this and don’t want to embarrass him interwebs style.

Naturally with my openness of our relationship to everyone in my life the church caught wind of it all and the Bishop finally tracked me down and we had a chat. Basically he wanted to know where I'm at how long I have felt this way and basically put down that I had to chose a “path” So basically I'm on the short path to excommunication from the church.

This isn’t really a problem for me as I have never really taken in any of the church’s teachings as I have been aware of who I am from a young age so I think on some level I knew this was coming eventually.

Still it is a bit weird to have something that has been in my life for 27 years suddenly being taken away, not a bad thing though, just I dunno different. Still If it always came down in life to choosing who I am and who the church wants me to be, the first wins, EVERY time.

I was discussing with Sam the other night that I'm thinking of just sending a letter of resignation into the church asking form my name to be removed from the records, kinda like beating them to the punch really. I really don’t want to be associated with an organization that stands for such hate against the person I am, simply because I'm who I am. So I think I will draft up the letter and send it off this week. I want to make it clear why I am leaving, that it isn’t directed at anyone personally but at the church’s teachings of intolerance and hate for me.

And so it all begins… :-)

It's Been a While

April 11th seems so far away now.

A couple of things have happened since then in my life changing it forever

- My Dad Suddenly collapsed on May 7th and Died on May 9th. He was 59 Yrs old.

- I realised how much i loved my dad and cared for him, when he was alive i honestly was never close to him and didn't think i would miss him. I miss him everyday.

- I have told everyone i wanted to tell myself that I'm Gay. Job Done.

- I have dated since April 11th and have been enjoying all that comes with that, the dinners the getting to know someone else the connections the misfires. It grows you.

I don't know if im ready to write about Dad yet, But i will say this. I Love the people of the Church. They came together and supported our family in the hardest times and carried us with no judgement just love. They have helped my Mum get by and The sense of community in the church really has shone. I will always remember that.

And... On a lighter note- My Friend has convinced me to get Twitter, Add me! Im looking quite pitiful at the moment with no followers, the username is bigglesworth003 :p

Easy Answers

In all lead ups to the intimate moments in life i really wish you could just send your perspective "mate" one of the following songs, in lieu of the awkward towards the end of the date/night....

Or..



Or..

I swear i will do a real blog update soon.

B.

"I still call Australia home"

221 Years ago this great nation was founded. What began as a place for England to send their convicts has grown developed and is my home. I am so grateful for the pioneers and explorers who built this nation into what we have today. 

This type of post would come to a shock to many of my friends. I don’t really come off as passionate or patriotic. I hate AFL (Australian Football League) and Cricket. Australian politics bore me and I never seem to care too much about the outcome here. One of my biggest goals is to move away and get a job and new life overseas.

Yet I am still very Australian. I never realised how many “traits” of an Australian I carry till I first went to America. I seriously thought I never said mate, turns out I use it, allot. When you’re the only one around saying it starts to standout. I embrace my “mateness” though.  Also, get ready to cringe, there is nothing better then Vegemite on toast for breakfast.

I do love my country. No matter where I end up in this world Australia will always be my home. Our rich diversity, culture and nature are so unique. I sometimes forget how lucky I am to be an Australian. We have one of the most beautiful countries in the world, which I have been lucky to see allot of.  Last year I visited my oldest friend who moved up to Magnetic Island, off the Northern coast of Queensland, and I hadn’t seen such beautiful untouched land in some time.

From the country to the city, to the coast, to the outback. I live in a country of such unimaginable splendour I have taken for granted all these years.

Even though I live in a country that the majority of people disagree with who i am, and the rights i know all deserve, I still love it. the freedom to choose what we feel is right is not something i would want to live without, even when it is against me. We can only continue to live in harmony and together and hope that our examples can change other's views and beliefs on issues that differ from our own beliefs. I do have hope in this country, that it will continue to evolve and work to equal rights for all, along with the rest of the world.  

I am proud to say I am Australian, and will always, no matter where I end up in this amazing world, call Australia Home.

Happy Australia Day. 

 

Doubt

Today I went with a friend and saw Doubt.  This was an excellent film. The entire cast were amazing and the story is chilling. I won’t go into too many details as not to spoil it. It has to do with the Catholic Church in the late 70’s and a Nun’s (Amy Adams) suspicions that the priest (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is molesting a child in the school. She tells the head nun (The brilliant Meryl Streep) her suspicions and the Head nun’s headstrong mission to bring down the priest on no evidence whatsoever is the bulk of the film.

The film had many great messages in it about judgment, gossip and of course the title doubt.

Throughout the film and the rest of today I have been distracted and consumed on thinking about that word Doubt.

My doubts are growing especially in the church. I think on some level they have always been there right from my younger years. It’s weird I have always just “coasted” along in the church. I did it all scouts, because it’s what you did. Ventures, because it’s what you did. Youth Programmes, because it’s what you did. Even Seminary. I did all four years without missing a day, at 6am in the freaking morning! I’m convinced that’s why 7 years later I’m still always tired.

Even out of 4 years of study I know nothing. I remember sitting with my best friend as she slept through the entire thing woke up for any scripture games and just won them all much to the annoyance of the teacher.  Looking back I’m not even sure why I never missed a day. I wasn’t pressured to go 100%. I remember Romans 1:16 and that’s about it:

Romans 1:16

16 ¶ For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

It’s amazing now that I think about it that this is the one thing I remember from Seminary, besides the pissing around with friends. I keep saying this scripture and I think it has hit me.

I think I may realise my problem I don’t know if I believe it. I mean the church itself, I’m not sure I believe it. There has always been some doubt in my mind. I believe in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, hell even the gospel the scriptures I think I believe. However the LDS Church and what it stands for, I’m just not sure I believe it.

A church that I have been apart of my entire life. I have struggled with all my life on some level. I have known since I can remember having feelings of attraction that I was different that I was gay. I tried to convince myself that maybe it was cause I hadn’t even done anything intimate with a girl, maybe I was bi, but on some level I know I have always been gay. This has always been there, and even though I knew this church’s stance on my feelings and urges,

I have known inside me there isn’t anything wrong with them. I could never get my head around the fact that Heavenly Father created me and these feelings came with it, how could his church be against me if he made me like this?

So with this doubt always being in the back, front and side of my mind I think it made me never get too spiritually/or otherwise involved in the church in my teenage years to even now.  I have beared my testimony which has always been your stock standard mix of what you hear in most testimonies. All talks I have ever done have been all business no personal stories or antiqudotes. All lessons I have ever taught all from the manual, I guess spiritual inspiration has never played apart in my involvement in the church, which is my own fault too.

I thought I’d be okay with “coasting” along still for a while, however a proposition in another country, in another hemisphere, seemingly so far from my world, changed all that. Still a couple of months later it still sits on my mind. It breaks my heart that this church I grew up in doesn’t truly love and accept me for the person I am. To the point of spending money, interjecting in politics and spreading hate towards me, us.

Recently I was sitting in sacrament meeting, it was the Christmas one.  The choir was singing O Holy Night. It was beautiful. I remember closing my eyes and feeling so badly how I wished someone I loved was with me to hold my hand and enjoy that with me. The sprit I felt then with my hand open next to me on the pew with my eye’s closed thinking of this perfect loving moment.

I knew that my heavenly father wants nothing more than for me to be happy and in love with my partner and be able to sit there holding his hand and not be ashamed or segregated for it.

That I have no Doubt in.