Doubt

Today I went with a friend and saw Doubt.  This was an excellent film. The entire cast were amazing and the story is chilling. I won’t go into too many details as not to spoil it. It has to do with the Catholic Church in the late 70’s and a Nun’s (Amy Adams) suspicions that the priest (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is molesting a child in the school. She tells the head nun (The brilliant Meryl Streep) her suspicions and the Head nun’s headstrong mission to bring down the priest on no evidence whatsoever is the bulk of the film.

The film had many great messages in it about judgment, gossip and of course the title doubt.

Throughout the film and the rest of today I have been distracted and consumed on thinking about that word Doubt.

My doubts are growing especially in the church. I think on some level they have always been there right from my younger years. It’s weird I have always just “coasted” along in the church. I did it all scouts, because it’s what you did. Ventures, because it’s what you did. Youth Programmes, because it’s what you did. Even Seminary. I did all four years without missing a day, at 6am in the freaking morning! I’m convinced that’s why 7 years later I’m still always tired.

Even out of 4 years of study I know nothing. I remember sitting with my best friend as she slept through the entire thing woke up for any scripture games and just won them all much to the annoyance of the teacher.  Looking back I’m not even sure why I never missed a day. I wasn’t pressured to go 100%. I remember Romans 1:16 and that’s about it:

Romans 1:16

16 ¶ For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

It’s amazing now that I think about it that this is the one thing I remember from Seminary, besides the pissing around with friends. I keep saying this scripture and I think it has hit me.

I think I may realise my problem I don’t know if I believe it. I mean the church itself, I’m not sure I believe it. There has always been some doubt in my mind. I believe in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, hell even the gospel the scriptures I think I believe. However the LDS Church and what it stands for, I’m just not sure I believe it.

A church that I have been apart of my entire life. I have struggled with all my life on some level. I have known since I can remember having feelings of attraction that I was different that I was gay. I tried to convince myself that maybe it was cause I hadn’t even done anything intimate with a girl, maybe I was bi, but on some level I know I have always been gay. This has always been there, and even though I knew this church’s stance on my feelings and urges,

I have known inside me there isn’t anything wrong with them. I could never get my head around the fact that Heavenly Father created me and these feelings came with it, how could his church be against me if he made me like this?

So with this doubt always being in the back, front and side of my mind I think it made me never get too spiritually/or otherwise involved in the church in my teenage years to even now.  I have beared my testimony which has always been your stock standard mix of what you hear in most testimonies. All talks I have ever done have been all business no personal stories or antiqudotes. All lessons I have ever taught all from the manual, I guess spiritual inspiration has never played apart in my involvement in the church, which is my own fault too.

I thought I’d be okay with “coasting” along still for a while, however a proposition in another country, in another hemisphere, seemingly so far from my world, changed all that. Still a couple of months later it still sits on my mind. It breaks my heart that this church I grew up in doesn’t truly love and accept me for the person I am. To the point of spending money, interjecting in politics and spreading hate towards me, us.

Recently I was sitting in sacrament meeting, it was the Christmas one.  The choir was singing O Holy Night. It was beautiful. I remember closing my eyes and feeling so badly how I wished someone I loved was with me to hold my hand and enjoy that with me. The sprit I felt then with my hand open next to me on the pew with my eye’s closed thinking of this perfect loving moment.

I knew that my heavenly father wants nothing more than for me to be happy and in love with my partner and be able to sit there holding his hand and not be ashamed or segregated for it.

That I have no Doubt in.