Its Christmas right?

Ah! Christmas and hidden I’m my room avoiding the family till lunch, thinking about what I want for Christmas, and I think I won’t get-

-My Mum’s side of the family over for Christmas not my Fathers.

-Today to be over.

-A Kiss

-Boyfriend

-Cash

-A Plane

-A Hippopotamus

-A Green Card

-To be held

-A Panda

-A new TV

-My own house

-A Father who isn’t a bigot

-A job I love

-New Mac book Pro

-Some new Air Force One’s                                 

-Understanding

-My own robot                                             

-To be loved

I feel like I should write peace, but between it and a plane, what can i say its christmas i can be selfish :-P

I don’t know when Christmas started to feel so blah. I do have memories of looking forward to it not being able to sleep, granted was properly 8, but still I miss the simpler times.

It seems of late more and more I am seeing peoples view on my lifestyle more and more. I guess that is the only advantage kind of, of being in the closet. I see the true views on the subject from some of my friends.

Last night I was over for dinner at a good friends house I have grown up with through the church. We had a great dinner, then unfortunately his wife wanted to watch Carols by Candlelight. I always enjoy seeing Christmas Carols being butchered by High 5 and the presenters painful banter, always completes a magical Christmas Eve. Well one part through A guy was singing and they mentioned it would be better sang by Anthony Caleia (Guy who one Australian Idol once I think) Oddly enough I read too much rubbish and this guy and Anthony Caleia are actually a couple. Shortly in Anthony Caleia comes out and they sing as a duet.

I mention that they are actually partners. Well any thought I had of coming out to my friend, as I know he would be helpful and especially help me through the church side of things, went out the window. His wife went from enjoying he song to sitting there in utter disgust. She kept harping on about how wrong it was and they better not kiss, or hug! I just couldn’t believe the sheer disgust she had for the fact, that if I hadn’t mentioned it she would have continued loving the Duet. But the fact that they love each other could ruin an evening.  Oh for someone who is so in love with Christmas she was just oozing that Christmas Spirt!

How does Someone else’s love hurt or ruin anything for anyone else?

I hope one day her mind changes, and maybe if it were someone she knew in that situation, someone she cared for, a friend, her feelings would change to happiness that they were in love, and cared for each other. I hope one day to see this from her.  And doesn’t everyone deserve the chance to love and be love no matter whom it is between?

I hope everyone has a great Christmas and Happy and safe New Year. Surround yourself with family and those that love you. Be yourself and I hope all everyone is looking for comes for you.

 

Merry Christmas. 

Friends

Da Dah dahdada  da dah dah dah dah…

I imagine that if my non-member friends are anything to go by coming out to everyone would be a non-issue. (I Imagine, I'm more certain my Fear will be closer to the reality)

I spent last night with some of my closest friends having an amazing conversation about life, and being gay. It was great to talk about as they are so supportive and loving and just love to hear and talk about it and discuss all odd and crazy aspects. They just see me as their friend not their gay friend. I’m not sure if this is making sense or coming out how I want it too. 

We generally talk about everything within each other’s lives and since I came out to them September, nothing has changed I’m not treated differently I think we are all just closer. My mate asks do you think his hot; would you “go” him? No more questions about women and giving the default 3: Angelina Jolie, Jenifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson.  Now it’s just Ryan Reynolds, Zach Efron and so many more.

The two friends I was out with are actually a couple, and have just been the greatest support since I came out to them. After chickening out 4-5 times over a couple of months, I dropped them off and was kicking my self on the way home as I once again hadn’t told them. I turned around and saw that Joel had left his jumper in my car, and I thought great I’ll go take it back and spill it. I got there very nervous we are talking and I said “ Look I need to tell you guys something, I have been meaning to for a while now, but always cop out and don’t. You two have been great friends who I don’t want to hide anything from. I’m Gay.” Now this was particularly terrify for me, as he was the first guy I had actually told, everyone else I had told were female friends.  Well it all went well they embraced me and offered their support and love and to stand by me if ever I needed it.

Well this day came up in conversation at dinner, as I was saying how I think most people think I’m gay. Which they said never had before that day, Well Joel said he knew when I came back and said I wanted to tell them something, as his sister came out recently and it was the same nervousness etc and he was thinking “here we go”. And Emily tells me “Honestly I thought you were going to say something horrible like you have cancer!” 

Joel did mention that how he found it funny after I went to shake his hand and he was thinking “what” and just wrapped his arms around me. I hadn’t thought about it since really but I remember, as weird as it is that hug just lifted my spirit up and I knew I was ok, it took me leaps in my progression of realising me in a sense. The nerves went away and I think that positive response from another male, a straight male, convinced me that the world isn’t a horrible place, that another guy won’t “disown” you in fear that you must then want them cause there a guy and you like guys.  And that now I had broken though that I feel could tell anyone.

My friend who I have a bit of a crush on is now coming to America with me next year. We caught up last night too with Joel and Erin after dinner and we were talking about the trip And one thing he said to me again made me so grateful to have these great friends He said “And you can be yourself you can be you on a trip with me” Things like that are always make the fear go away for a while. Knowing that though it all there will still be people standing next to you.

I like to imagine that everyone would respond the same as Joel and Emily, Peter and the other friends I have told so far. I have been thinking of late that I will be out to all within the next 12 Months, and in one way it scares me. The disappointment, the judging, the gossip, the possibility of being out casted and sent to a council. The possibility my father will never look at me again the Fear my mother will never look at me the same. 

Then on the other hand I feel there might be peace within at the end of it all I won’t be hiding behind this rock. I won’t have to just stay silent when someone says something I disagree with in fear of being “caught” I won't be able to use the excuse of being caught as a reason not to talk to someone i might like, I might get some confidence. 

I still love the church and believe in allot of its teachings, But i feel the church, more and more lately doesn't have a space for who i see me as. And members who say they love me might happen to have a disclaimer * in there somewhere. 

I guess all I can do is hope and dream that after all is said and done some might surprise me and still be willing “to stand next to me” 

All you need is

 “Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that.

It seems to me that love is everywhere.

Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.

When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love.

If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.”

So had a boring night in, was feel depressed so I watched Love, Actually. I found it buried in my giant DVD collection still in the plastic from about 18 months ago, better late then never! It’s a sweet film, gives you that nice false Hollywood sense of hope!

It did give me a nice reminder, that as sappy as it is, love is everywhere. I am grateful for the love my parents have for me, and I do know they will always love me. The love my friends have for me, these people put up with me and love me for me. Now just to find the boy to love me and me love him.

And the church promotes love for all, however of late I have not been seeing it. I hadn’t heard too much reaction to prop 8 from church members here. Chances are allot don’t even know it happened. I remember my birthday dinner how smug my dad was that the church help overturn it, which just angers me. I did speak my mind on this and then my brother and me started talking about the Mormon episode of South Park, which just was my way to annoy my father. Yes I can act like a child sometimes but he knows how to push me. Then on Friday driving home from work I also gave a lift home to my friend’s father who works there too.

There all Members, I have sat through a numerous amount of rants in the past. Friday though he started on the “gays” and how disgusting it was that they were protesting out side temples etc. and if he was there he’d be out with baseball bats… My stomach sank, and I felt like just jumping out the moving car. However I persevered and just said a little bit. I said all they wanted was what everyone else has equal rights. And the church spent such a large amount of money against it, what did they expect to happen, I mean they are being peaceful in protest.

He seemed to cut his rant short after that cause I just wouldn’t agree or give anymore input. It just makes me wonder how this love the church promotes us to have for all is so misinterpreted amongst so many members.  I guess if I was out to them all I wouldn’t hear any of this. Maybe it would be a good thing too. A more personal image instead of the faceless stereotypes they have for “gays” at the moment.

Also I would have an empty car to and from work to crank up the music I want to listen too.

Well should get to bed gotta be up for church in 4 and a bit hours.

An Introduction is in Order?

I don’t know why I’m writing this but, I figure after reading over several blogs the last few months I should perhaps do one, see if it helps me with me. Reading all these blogs has been a great source of information and comfort realising Wow! I’m not the only one thinking this way feeling this way, being this way. 

Guess I should say a bit about myself.  I live in Australia was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and am Gay.

It’s a weird predicament. Growing up I think I knew at some level, tried to kid my self thought maybe I’m bi but as I grew I knew who I was and have become less worried about the reaction as the years go by.

Church has always been there on top of church I went to high school at a Lutheran School. So of course I tried to be straight. And have been doing well with it since an early age. Problem is why should I bother being something I’m not? I'm not happy being like it I’m not happy pretending I don’t love pop music, musicals, desperate housewives, greys anatomy, and love Disney. Having to Hear family and friends mock Gays/Fags/Queers etc. in fact lately it’s starting to piss me off. I had to get glasses recently My Dad sees them first comment there kind of gay. Felt like just blurting out so’s ya son deal with it, but that’s for another day.

I have always gone to church grew up with great friends but I work with allot of Mormons too which comes with more shame the talks about fags and mocking and judging has gotten to me of late, and just makes me feel that the church won’t accept me for all of me and even if the gospel did the people of the church would properly destroy me, I hope I’m wrong but I just feel it. I feel it during sacrament I feel like there’s a spotlight on me that I’m different to the rest here I can't imagine how walking in there on a Sunday after coming out to all, those that do are brave and I respect you all and must have great wards.

I have always had a conflict with its teachings and honestly it, at times just bores me. Especially the last 5 years I just hear the same thing over and over.I don’t know why I still go as often as I do I think it’s to keep my parents happy. My brother left when he was 16 so I have been there ray of light church wise, I don’t know what its like in the rest of the world but 1 child leaving the church both would really bring them down. So I’m sure my brother will become the greatest thing ever when I come out to my parents. Which I really want to do on one hand and another it scares the shit outta me, I don’t want to disappoint, but I want to be ME.

I was on the default church path 19 started to think of a mission for all the wrong reasons not for me just to do what was expected. I knew deep down I shouldn’t go it would be wrong and disrespectful to a church, which has been nothing but good to me in an indirect sort of way. Luckily I got a new job and decided to work and travel allot. And the mission just got erased from memory. The questions dropped off and now I’m just that guy that never went, (I’m sure people suspect I am who I know I am)  I have travelled around a fair bit I love America, Hong Kong, Mexico and Japan. I think I love the travel as I can be me with out the judgment of sorts I don’t know, i do travel with friends most of the time but i still feel more like the true me then i do in Australia doing the day to day. I see cheap airfare and just buy them and worry about the rest later, like the other day dirt cheap to LA so I'm back in Oct 09’ All I was thinking was I can go to New York and Disneyland again 2 places I feel so like me, I’m rambling.

Since I was 21 I have started to come out to friends most my close friends know and are fantastic. Not one friend from church knows as church is a gossipy place and id really like my parents to find out from me now some random sister looking for the latest ward scandal its been a few years since a decent one :-p. The more I tell on one hand I feel better as I don’t have to pretend to these people and am me and they ask me about it and always looking out for me which has just made me in some aspects happier to be me. On the other hand I’m still lonely. I don’t know why I thought things would turn around once I started to come out. I wouldn’t feel lonely I might find someone to be with, like, love. But still lonely there unfortunately most my friends who know are straight and a couple they have great times together and have someone to go with at the end of the day I have my tv.

I do have one friend, who I have had a crush on for some time this year, came out of no were. We were out having a blast and I just started falling for him we click so well and have the same dirty humour and can talk about anything and no matter what cannot offended each other. I have this horrible mind, which comes with a list a mile long of what I can blurt out in front of who and what I can’t in front of others. Really I have a sick twisted humour don’t know where it comes from. Well after months of trying to tell him I’m gay, just cause his such a great friend I wanted him to know about me, I finally caved and did it. He was great and came out to me in sort and told me he is Bi. Still confidence and me don’t mix and we still hang out and are great friends, nothing has changed since the exchange in confessions, its like we always knew. Still can’t tell him that one thing, as I would not want to loose the friendship. Plus a bi guy I think will only hurt me. But I’m sure I will bring this up again so….

Wow this just kept coming, ill wind this up so I can blog my things and stuff instead of jam it all into an intro. So want to thank all mohos who write it has helped me tremendously and also thanks to one who caught me out reading his and chatted to me and let me vent a bit and just to talk to someone in a similar situation and made me realise I’m not the only one,  that this could be a good avenue for it . You are all great people.  

Well i finally did this, all it took was not being able to sleep.

 

So in ending Hello, I am B, nice to meet you, well you know..