I sometimes think people must know I'm gay, because of some things I like, and do. For instance because I was willing to work Saturday to have today (Monday) off so I could watch the Oscars with a couple of mates.
It's like my AFL Grand Final (or Super-bowl for my Northern Hemisphere Friends)
I liked the changes this year; Hugh Jackman did great loved the musical number at the start. And fell more in love with Anne Hathaway to see how well she can sing.
I might be the only one who thinks that Slumdog shouldn't have one; it was enjoyable but not Oscar good. But its to their own.
High Points were defiantly the Milk wins. I loved this film and its message and learning about an important part of history that hit home for me. Dustin Lance Black won for best original screenplay for Milk. Well deserved and he gave a wonderful and heartfelt acceptance speech Here is a snippet of it that I loved:
"When I was 13 years old, my beautiful mother and my father moved me from a conservative Mormon home in San Antonio, Texas to California, and I heard the story of Harvey Milk. And it gave me hope. It gave me the hope to live my life. It gave me the hope one day I could live my life openly as who I am and then maybe even I could even fall in love and one day get married.
I wanna thank my mom, who has always loved me for who I am even when there was pressure not to. But most of all, if Harvey had not been taken from us 30 years ago, I think he'd want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been told that they are less than by their churches, by the government or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value and that no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights federally, across this great nation of ours.
Thank you. Thank you. And thank you, God, for giving us Harvey Milk"
It was brilliant to see Kate Winslet finally won! She is one of my favorite actors and after seeing her playing "herself" in Extras I fell in love with her even more. She is an actor of such versatility and depth I'm sure we will see her win more Academy awards in the future.
Then my friend and I both were hoping Sean Penn would win over Mickey Rouke and he did! Besides the personal connection to a film like Milk, I truly think Sean was the best actor in the category his performance was astounding and stood above the rest as far as I'm concerned. He also gave a brilliant speech with a powerful message on equal rights-
"…For those who saw the signs of hatred as our cars drove in tonight, I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect, and anticipate the or great shame, and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue that way of support. We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone..."
Overall a great Oscars I really enjoyed it and am glad I took the day off work. These are like watching a sports final for me, and I'm ok with that :-)
This type of post would come to a shock to many of my friends. I don’t really come off as passionate or patriotic. I hate AFL (Australian Football League) and Cricket. Australian politics bore me and I never seem to care too much about the outcome here. One of my biggest goals is to move away and get a job and new life overseas.
Yet I am still very Australian. I never realised how many “traits” of an Australian I carry till I first went to America. I seriously thought I never said mate, turns out I use it, allot. When you’re the only one around saying it starts to standout. I embrace my “mateness” though. Also, get ready to cringe, there is nothing better then Vegemite on toast for breakfast.
I do love my country. No matter where I end up in this world Australia will always be my home. Our rich diversity, culture and nature are so unique. I sometimes forget how lucky I am to be an Australian. We have one of the most beautiful countries in the world, which I have been lucky to see allot of. Last year I visited my oldest friend who moved up to Magnetic Island, off the Northern coast of Queensland, and I hadn’t seen such beautiful untouched land in some time.
From the country to the city, to the coast, to the outback. I live in a country of such unimaginable splendour I have taken for granted all these years.
Even though I live in a country that the majority of people disagree with who i am, and the rights i know all deserve, I still love it. the freedom to choose what we feel is right is not something i would want to live without, even when it is against me. We can only continue to live in harmony and together and hope that our examples can change other's views and beliefs on issues that differ from our own beliefs. I do have hope in this country, that it will continue to evolve and work to equal rights for all, along with the rest of the world.
I am proud to say I am Australian, and will always, no matter where I end up in this amazing world, call Australia Home.
Happy Australia Day.
Today I went with a friend and saw Doubt. This was an excellent film. The entire cast were amazing and the story is chilling. I won’t go into too many details as not to spoil it. It has to do with the Catholic Church in the late 70’s and a Nun’s (Amy Adams) suspicions that the priest (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is molesting a child in the school. She tells the head nun (The brilliant Meryl Streep) her suspicions and the Head nun’s headstrong mission to bring down the priest on no evidence whatsoever is the bulk of the film.
The film had many great messages in it about judgment, gossip and of course the title doubt.
Throughout the film and the rest of today I have been distracted and consumed on thinking about that word Doubt.
My doubts are growing especially in the church. I think on some level they have always been there right from my younger years. It’s weird I have always just “coasted” along in the church. I did it all scouts, because it’s what you did. Ventures, because it’s what you did. Youth Programmes, because it’s what you did. Even Seminary. I did all four years without missing a day, at 6am in the freaking morning! I’m convinced that’s why 7 years later I’m still always tired.
Even out of 4 years of study I know nothing. I remember sitting with my best friend as she slept through the entire thing woke up for any scripture games and just won them all much to the annoyance of the teacher. Looking back I’m not even sure why I never missed a day. I wasn’t pressured to go 100%. I remember Romans 1:16 and that’s about it:
Romans 1:16
16 ¶ For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.
It’s amazing now that I think about it that this is the one thing I remember from Seminary, besides the pissing around with friends. I keep saying this scripture and I think it has hit me.
I think I may realise my problem I don’t know if I believe it. I mean the church itself, I’m not sure I believe it. There has always been some doubt in my mind. I believe in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, hell even the gospel the scriptures I think I believe. However the LDS Church and what it stands for, I’m just not sure I believe it.
A church that I have been apart of my entire life. I have struggled with all my life on some level. I have known since I can remember having feelings of attraction that I was different that I was gay. I tried to convince myself that maybe it was cause I hadn’t even done anything intimate with a girl, maybe I was bi, but on some level I know I have always been gay. This has always been there, and even though I knew this church’s stance on my feelings and urges,
I have known inside me there isn’t anything wrong with them. I could never get my head around the fact that Heavenly Father created me and these feelings came with it, how could his church be against me if he made me like this?
So with this doubt always being in the back, front and side of my mind I think it made me never get too spiritually/or otherwise involved in the church in my teenage years to even now. I have beared my testimony which has always been your stock standard mix of what you hear in most testimonies. All talks I have ever done have been all business no personal stories or antiqudotes. All lessons I have ever taught all from the manual, I guess spiritual inspiration has never played apart in my involvement in the church, which is my own fault too.
I thought I’d be okay with “coasting” along still for a while, however a proposition in another country, in another hemisphere, seemingly so far from my world, changed all that. Still a couple of months later it still sits on my mind. It breaks my heart that this church I grew up in doesn’t truly love and accept me for the person I am. To the point of spending money, interjecting in politics and spreading hate towards me, us.
Recently I was sitting in sacrament meeting, it was the Christmas one. The choir was singing O Holy Night. It was beautiful. I remember closing my eyes and feeling so badly how I wished someone I loved was with me to hold my hand and enjoy that with me. The sprit I felt then with my hand open next to me on the pew with my eye’s closed thinking of this perfect loving moment.
I knew that my heavenly father wants nothing more than for me to be happy and in love with my partner and be able to sit there holding his hand and not be ashamed or segregated for it.
That I have no Doubt in.
Ah! Christmas and hidden I’m my room avoiding the family till lunch, thinking about what I want for Christmas, and I think I won’t get-
-My Mum’s side of the family over for Christmas not my Fathers.
-Today to be over.
-A Kiss
-Boyfriend
-Cash
-A Plane
-A Hippopotamus
-A Green Card
-To be held
-A Panda
-A new TV
-My own house
-A Father who isn’t a bigot
-A job I love
-New Mac book Pro
-Some new Air Force One’s
-Understanding
-My own robot
-To be loved
I feel like I should write peace, but between it and a plane, what can i say its christmas i can be selfish :-P
I don’t know when Christmas started to feel so blah. I do have memories of looking forward to it not being able to sleep, granted was properly 8, but still I miss the simpler times.
It seems of late more and more I am seeing peoples view on my lifestyle more and more. I guess that is the only advantage kind of, of being in the closet. I see the true views on the subject from some of my friends.
Last night I was over for dinner at a good friends house I have grown up with through the church. We had a great dinner, then unfortunately his wife wanted to watch Carols by Candlelight. I always enjoy seeing Christmas Carols being butchered by High 5 and the presenters painful banter, always completes a magical Christmas Eve. Well one part through A guy was singing and they mentioned it would be better sang by Anthony Caleia (Guy who one Australian Idol once I think) Oddly enough I read too much rubbish and this guy and Anthony Caleia are actually a couple. Shortly in Anthony Caleia comes out and they sing as a duet.
I mention that they are actually partners. Well any thought I had of coming out to my friend, as I know he would be helpful and especially help me through the church side of things, went out the window. His wife went from enjoying he song to sitting there in utter disgust. She kept harping on about how wrong it was and they better not kiss, or hug! I just couldn’t believe the sheer disgust she had for the fact, that if I hadn’t mentioned it she would have continued loving the Duet. But the fact that they love each other could ruin an evening. Oh for someone who is so in love with Christmas she was just oozing that Christmas Spirt!
How does Someone else’s love hurt or ruin anything for anyone else?
I hope one day her mind changes, and maybe if it were someone she knew in that situation, someone she cared for, a friend, her feelings would change to happiness that they were in love, and cared for each other. I hope one day to see this from her. And doesn’t everyone deserve the chance to love and be love no matter whom it is between?
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and Happy and safe New Year. Surround yourself with family and those that love you. Be yourself and I hope all everyone is looking for comes for you.
Merry Christmas.
Da Dah dahdada da dah dah dah dah…
I imagine that if my non-member friends are anything to go by coming out to everyone would be a non-issue. (I Imagine, I'm more certain my Fear will be closer to the reality)
I spent last night with some of my closest friends having an amazing conversation about life, and being gay. It was great to talk about as they are so supportive and loving and just love to hear and talk about it and discuss all odd and crazy aspects. They just see me as their friend not their gay friend. I’m not sure if this is making sense or coming out how I want it too.
We generally talk about everything within each other’s lives and since I came out to them September, nothing has changed I’m not treated differently I think we are all just closer. My mate asks do you think his hot; would you “go” him? No more questions about women and giving the default 3: Angelina Jolie, Jenifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson. Now it’s just Ryan Reynolds, Zach Efron and so many more.
The two friends I was out with are actually a couple, and have just been the greatest support since I came out to them. After chickening out 4-5 times over a couple of months, I dropped them off and was kicking my self on the way home as I once again hadn’t told them. I turned around and saw that Joel had left his jumper in my car, and I thought great I’ll go take it back and spill it. I got there very nervous we are talking and I said “ Look I need to tell you guys something, I have been meaning to for a while now, but always cop out and don’t. You two have been great friends who I don’t want to hide anything from. I’m Gay.” Now this was particularly terrify for me, as he was the first guy I had actually told, everyone else I had told were female friends. Well it all went well they embraced me and offered their support and love and to stand by me if ever I needed it.
Well this day came up in conversation at dinner, as I was saying how I think most people think I’m gay. Which they said never had before that day, Well Joel said he knew when I came back and said I wanted to tell them something, as his sister came out recently and it was the same nervousness etc and he was thinking “here we go”. And Emily tells me “Honestly I thought you were going to say something horrible like you have cancer!”
Joel did mention that how he found it funny after I went to shake his hand and he was thinking “what” and just wrapped his arms around me. I hadn’t thought about it since really but I remember, as weird as it is that hug just lifted my spirit up and I knew I was ok, it took me leaps in my progression of realising me in a sense. The nerves went away and I think that positive response from another male, a straight male, convinced me that the world isn’t a horrible place, that another guy won’t “disown” you in fear that you must then want them cause there a guy and you like guys. And that now I had broken though that I feel could tell anyone.
My friend who I have a bit of a crush on is now coming to America with me next year. We caught up last night too with Joel and Erin after dinner and we were talking about the trip And one thing he said to me again made me so grateful to have these great friends He said “And you can be yourself you can be you on a trip with me” Things like that are always make the fear go away for a while. Knowing that though it all there will still be people standing next to you.
I like to imagine that everyone would respond the same as Joel and Emily, Peter and the other friends I have told so far. I have been thinking of late that I will be out to all within the next 12 Months, and in one way it scares me. The disappointment, the judging, the gossip, the possibility of being out casted and sent to a council. The possibility my father will never look at me again the Fear my mother will never look at me the same.
Then on the other hand I feel there might be peace within at the end of it all I won’t be hiding behind this rock. I won’t have to just stay silent when someone says something I disagree with in fear of being “caught” I won't be able to use the excuse of being caught as a reason not to talk to someone i might like, I might get some confidence.
I still love the church and believe in allot of its teachings, But i feel the church, more and more lately doesn't have a space for who i see me as. And members who say they love me might happen to have a disclaimer * in there somewhere.
I guess all I can do is hope and dream that after all is said and done some might surprise me and still be willing “to stand next to me”
